From president@whitehouse.gov Tue Jun 24 10:28:53 1997
To: plank@cs.utk.edu
Subject: SPAM

Hi Jim -- thought you would appreciate some SPAM hiakus

Bill

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.
 
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily," says he.
Angioplasty.

Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food":
A small pink coffin.

From bfaxon@pga.org Tue Jun 24 10:30:23 1997
To: plank@cs.utk.edu
Subject: Nickname

Dear Dr. Plank.  

Why do you keep calling me "chicken neck?"

My wife has picked up the habit, and frankly, I find it annoying.

Sincerely,

Brad Faxon

From president@whitehouse.gov Tue Jun 24 10:30:57 1997
To: plank@cs.utk.edu
Subject: More fun

Hey Jim -- came across some more.  Bill.

Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.

From vice-president@whitehouse.gov Tue Jun 24 10:34:02 1997
To: plank@cs.utk.edu
Subject: Haikus and more haikus

Hey Jim -- Bill thought that these might be too offensive for
your class, but I beg to disagree:


>From bigbill@ovaloffice.gov
>To: bigal@ovalloffice.gov

Do you like my beard?
Please tell me you like my beard
Or I'll blow you up

Machines done ruined
Western Civilization
Think I'll mail some bombs

I have a vision
But I am misunderstood
Do you like my beard?

Option: Suicide
Perhaps I'll send a letter
To myself in jail

Harvard boy--upset.
Didn't get the attention
Of upper class chicks

Ed McMahon of Death
You may already be a
Winner! Open me!

Bad Unabomber!
Blowing people all to hell.
Do you take requests?

Why can't I get this
Stupid computer to print?
Time to buy some stamps.

Manifesto. Oops.
What a giveaway. Next time
No windy essays

Kind of ironic
Hates technology lots but
Has two typewriters

Should I comb my hair
Or should I wear it matted
The judge likes it combed

Remember when you
Laughed at his fake fur parka?
He remembers, too.

"Open your present..."
"No, you open your present..."
Kaczinski Christmas

I was your math prof.
You made fun of my weird ways.
It was all your fault.

It's circumstantial
All that stuff in my cabin
I found it all--yeah

From irma@bombeck.com Tue Jun 24 10:36:11 1997
To: plank@cs.utk.edu
Subject: Things learned from Children

Hey Jim: Forwarding this from Michael

From: mjordan@bulls.com (Michael Jordan)
Organization: Chicago Bulls
Subject: humor
To: irma@bombeck.com
Message-ID: <296987.ensmtp@bulls.com>
Priority: normal
X-Mailer: ExpressNet/SMTP v1.1.5
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Status: RO

Irma -- made this up myself.  Aren't I funny?

>This is worth passing on, especially if you have kids.
>
>Things I've Learned From My Children
>
> 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
>    strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy
>    underwear and a superman cape.
>
> 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls
>    of a 20 by 20 foot room.
>
>3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
>   already too late.
>
>4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
>5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
>   36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
>6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
>   it does not leak - it explodes.
>
>7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot
>   house 4 inches deep.
>
>8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
>
>9. Super glue is forever.
>
>
>10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
>
>11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
>    can't walk on water.
>
>12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
>
>13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercialsshow
>they do.
>
>14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
>
>15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response
>time.
>
>16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
>    dizzy.
>
>17. It will however make cats dizzy.
>
>18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
>
>