Day in the Life of a Vampire (c) 1992

     My name is Bob, and I'm a male vampire in my late twenties.  That is,
my mind is in its late twenties, even if my body stopped somewhere after
puberty.  There is something magical about being a vampire- something which
causes an awesome transformation of mind, body, and soul above and overpowering
any known scale.  But you get used to it.
     I'm also married.  Now, that might sound strange coming from a vampire.
Especially since one normally gets married until death do them part, which
makes for an awfully long time if you happen to be immortal.  My wife, 
Angela, is also a vampire.  We live in a suburban home, with a two car garage,
a CD player, and of course a microwave oven.  And a two year old vampire
daughter.
     Sometimes folks get the strange notion that vampires can't have children.
After all, they're dead, right?  In fact, this is what we were counting on
when we went off birth-control.  Then, we found out that it was only an old
wives tale- just like the one that promises that because they are undead they
will be unable to age and they'll never grow up and wreck your car.  In truth,
vampire children age physically until they become vampire adults, at which
time they gain control over their aging process.  At this time, it is expected
that they should intentionally halt their aging- since aging, besides being
associated with random childhood hormones, makes it difficult for vampires
to recognize you over the course of a few decades.
     All in all, I'm a happy vampire.  I love my wife and child.  Did I mention
that it is possible for a vampire to know love?  Oh yes, we are very passionate
creatures, slaves to all the highest of the emotions.  
     On this particular day, I was in a little bit of trouble.  You see, it
was my wedding anniversary the following night.  I had special ordered a 
Renfield over a week previous.  Every year we followed the same tradition.  I 
would order the Renfield, and we would dine out.  This tradition became so 
involved in our celebration that I knew I was in for it when I got the munchies
earlier that night and killed off the Renfield.  Now, I was stuck because there
was no time left tonight to do anything about it.  It was our ten year high 
school reunion tonight, and it was due to start any minute.   My wife, on the 
reunion committee, volunteered our home for the location.  My class wasn't too 
large, only twenty or so, but after a rough day of sleep, I wasn't looking 
forward to seeing the same old faces I knew ten years ago wandering my living 
room and commenting on my lack of taste in furniture.  And besides, I needed to
find another Renfield.  The reunion would start any moment, and then end just 
before dawn, which would leave exactly no time to find a new Renfield.  My only
hope was to convince a guest to sneak out during the party and find one for me.
     The doorbell rang.  I flew across the living room and checked my 
reflection in a bowl of water to be sure there wasn't any stains on my teeth.  
This is important.  Mirrors don't reflect vampires.  Everybody knows that.  
     I answered the door.  It was my old high school chum Dan.  "Hey Bob!"
he cried at me with a ridiculous grin.  He was handsome and suave, but then 
again, all vampires are.
     "Hey Dan!" I cried back.  Then he gave me a big hug and burst into my
home, handing me his cape.  He was my age, although like myself he had halted 
his aging process a few years ago.
     "I always knew you'd go the domestic route!"  He glanced around my place
with amusement.  He quickly checked his teeth in my bowl of water.  "They say
the shy ones always do."
     I closed a drawer of personal stuff he had opened.  "I resent that.  I
was never shy.  You should know that."
     "Oh come on!"
     I was getting a bit defensive.  "Was I shy with...?"
     Angela entered the room with a bunch of name-tags.  "Now, Bob, no more
Debbie stories.  None of them are true anyway."  Dan laughed.  She handed him
a name-tag.  "Here's your name-tag.  Just in case someone forgets your name."  
Dan shook his head like that was impossible.  "Bob, I want you to hand out the 
name-tags to our guests as they come in the door."
     "Why me?"
     "Because you're just standing there doing nothing."  With that, she left
the room again.  The trouble sometimes with wives is that they have an entirely
different idea of what nothing is than husbands do.  Preparing for a reunion
is nothing, standing around discussing football and the good old days is 
important.
     I waited until my wife was out of sight and then pulled Dan closer to me.
"Dan, I can't tell you how good it is to see you!"
     Dan grimaced.  "What is it you want?"  
     "I'm shocked.  Really.  Can't you take a compliment?" 
     "Well, out with it.  What is it?"  Before I could answer, he blurted
out, "Hey!  This name-tag says Ralph!"
     I gave him the `Dan' name-tag.  "It just so happens that coincidentally 
there is something I want.  You just reminded me, that's all.  I need you to 
go find me a Renfield."
     He started laughing.
     "I'm serious.  It's my anniversary tomorrow.  You know how women get when
you forget these things."
     "And you forgot?"
     I glanced around to make sure she wasn't listening.  "I got a little
hungry earlier."
     He continued to laugh.  "Listen, there is no way anyone can find a
Renfield at this short notice.  I'm sorry, Bob, I wish I could help."  He 
studied me a moment.  "Let me give you some free advice."  I rolled my eyes.
"Hey, I may not be married myself, at the moment, but it just so happens that
I'm quite knowledgeable on the subject.  I've been married at least four times,
not to mention had countless long-term relationships.  And there is one thing
that I've learned.  You need to tell them.  You can't count on finding a
solution this late in the game.  Tell her now, before the next night after she
starts looking forward to it."
     I thought about it seriously.  "Perhaps you're right.  I should tell her
before her hopes rise any higher."
     "You bet I'm right.  Sit her down.  And give her the best lie you can
muster."
     The doorbell rang again.  Dan chuckled, pointing at the name-tags.  
"Okay, Bob, do your duty!"
     Dan was obviously single.  I opened the door reluctantly, wondering what 
surprises would befall me.  "Oh," I said as I saw the doorbell ringer.
     Angela's voice rang out from some distant location.  Somewhere, I think 
they teach wives how to yell better when they get married.  "Is that the
appetizer, honey?"
     "Yes," I yelled back.  "The Renfield has arrived."  He stood at the door
rather cautiously, eyes shifting about without purpose.  
     Dan pointed at the Renfield.  "Here's your Renfield!"
     "Don't be silly.  She knows about this one.  Besides, it will be gone by
tomorrow night!"  Of course, not wanting to impose, he was still standing in
our doorway.  "Well, Renfield, are you coming in?"
     The Renfield cleared his throat.  Must have been a cockroach.  "Yes, I.."
     You must understand that it is never proper to let a Renfield finish
speaking.  "Then do come in."
     My daughter entered the room just then.  She came forth boldly.  "Hi!  
Daddy went to hospital for surgery." 
     I immediately shook my head in denial when Dan gave me a questioning look.
     She pointed at Dan.  "Vampire," she said with confidence.
     "Yes," I smiled.  "That's my child, Sidney." I bragged to Dan.
     "Very astute," Dan nodded.  "It's nice to meet you Sidney."
     "Vampire," she said pointing to the Renfield.
     I grinned, shrugging to my old friend.  "No, Sidney.  Renfield."
     "Vampire," she responded.
     Dan frowned.  I rubbed my chin.  "Sidney, Dan here is a vampire.  I am
a vampire.  Mommy dearest is a vampire.  You are a vampire."
     "Vampire," she smiled, pointing to herself.
     "Yes, vampire.  But this here is a Renfield.  Renfield, tell her!"
     The Renfield nodded.  "I'm a..."
     I interrupted.  "As you can clearly see, he's a ..."
     "Vampire," Sidney concluded.
     Dan shook his head.  "Your kid is confused."
     I laughed it off.  "She's two," I responded.  "Listen, Renfield."
     "Vampire."
     "Renfield."
     "Vampire!" She yelled.
     I gnawed my teeth.  "Okay, fine, he's a vampire!"
     My daughter smiled triumphantly.  And then, "Why?"
     "Because you said so."
     "Why?"
     "Angela!  Your daughter needs you!"  The one constant fact in the
universe was that children are always the other spouse's when ever they are
being annoying.  It was like a law of physics.
     I was never very good at physics.  Especially the laws.  Like the one
that says matter is conserved.  Or was that mass or energy?  Anyhow, the upshot
was that it is impossible for a vampire to turn into a bat, and we all know 
that isn't true.
     The hunger pains started to come over me.  There is one thing which is
characteristic of all vampires: hunger pains.  Look in any book, or see any
movie, or read any tabloid.  It's always, "I couldn't help myself, the hunger
pains got to me."  The universal excuse.
     I started to move toward the Renfield.
     Suddenly, I heard my wife's voice.  "Bob, don't you snack before the
party now!"
     "What makes you think I'm going to do that?" I asked as I inched closer
to the Renfield.
     Angela entered the room.  "Because I know you."
     "Oh, come on, just a small nibble.  Nobody will know!"
     Angela glared at me.  "Don't you dare!"
     I sighed and took my eyes off the Renfield's neck.  "I'm sorry, honey,
you're right.  I really didn't mean to."
     Dan grinned.  "Yeah, right."
     I ignored Dan the best I could.  "I can't help myself.  It's just that I
have hunger pains."
     "Hunger pains or not, you'll just have to wait like the rest of the
guests."
     "Angela, sweat darling, can I help myself when I get these hunger pains?"
     "Yes, you can."
     I smiled and moved toward the Renfield.  "I can help myself!  Oh goody!"
     Angela intercepted me.  Vampires have the ability to faster than the eye
can see, which is convenient during card games.  "You know what I meant.  You
can't help yourself!"
     I shrugged my shoulders.  "I'm glad you understand that I can't help
myself.  Then you won't mind if I...."
     She stopped me.  "Stop twisting my words.  The answer is no."
     I frowned deeply.  "Very well.  I'll just starve to death."
     She smiled and moved away satisfied.  "That shouldn't take too long," she
said as she left the room.
     I suddenly noticed Dan was shaking his head disapprovingly at me.
"Tsk-tsk.  You know that's what got you into this mess in the first place.
Your snacking."
     Suddenly, it all came back to me.  Dan was right.  I had completely
forgotten the enormous predicament I was in.  I still needed to find a Renfield
for tomorrow night.  Hunger pains can do that to vampires.  They get hungry and
suddenly forget who they are and what they are doing.  One time I got hungry
and then next thing I knew I woke up in a strange coffin in a distant island
off New Guinea.
     As if my hunger pains had been some kind of cue, I heard a loud crunching 
noise.  I looked over to my daughter.
     "What are you doing?"
     She pointed inside her mouth.  "Chewing rocks."
     I shook my head and moved over to her.  "Get these rocks out of your
mouth now!"  Of course, that meant I had to put my fingers in her mouth and
pull them out myself.  I then held the saliva covered rocks in my hand
underneath her eyes so she could see.  "Look at these.  What were you 
thinking?  These are too big to swallow."  I then handed her some smaller 
rocks, and returned to my guest.
     Dan smiled.  "So, tell me about your wedding!"
     I thought back.  "Well, it was held outside, not in a church."
     He nodded.  "Naturally."
     "Sanctified ground and all that other stuff.  And what have you been up
to?"
     He thought.  "I have a story for you.  Happened to me last night."  
     The reference to the nighttime is of course crucial.  As everyone knows, 
vampires are entirely nocturnal.  Everything in a vampire society is organized 
during the night.  It doesn't always work out though.  There was a misdemeanor 
serial murder trial downtown and the defense attorney was still in the middle 
of the closing argument when dawn arrived.  It was decided that they would 
just draw the blinds and let him finish his statement.  Nobody complained 
either; then again, the judge and jurors, being vampires and thus nocturnal, 
fell asleep anyway.  Not that it mattered, since the plea was innocent by 
reason of hunger pains.
     Dan continued.  "Last night, I was on this electronic mailing list, 
HUMANNS, and...."
     "Wait a second, electronic mailing list?"
     "Yeah.  At work.  Something to pass the time."
     I mulled over this.  "What about working?"
     "I tried that, but it can get a little dull.  Anyway, this woman says to
me, `Doogie, are you going..."
     "Hold it!"
     "Are you going to let me finish this story?"
     "Certainly, but who is `Doogie'?"
     "Well, that's me, knuckle-head.  It's my pseudonym.  You see, some of us
pretend we're human.  My pseudonym is Doogie Howser, which is taken from a
fictional show about humans and typical human interactions."
     "Humans?  Aren't you getting a bit eccentric here, Doogie?  I mean, you
don't believe in humans do you?"
     "Certainly not.  Except perhaps in role-playing games and fiction."
     "I should hope not.  This other woman you mentioned..."
     "Leona Helmsey."
     "Leona Helmsey, she doesn't think she's a human, does she?"
     "Well, of course not.  It's just for fun.  She knows she's only a
vampire.  Besides, the list produces a whole bunch of interesting human fluff."
     "Human fluff?"
     "I'm sorry, that's list-lingo for fictional stories about humans.  Good
reading.  Although I think it's a shame that in most fluff, the vampires always
win in the end."  Well, naturally, I thought to myself.
     "Doogie Howser?  What a bizarre name.  Sounds so...  sapien."
     "Typical for a human."
     "I thought you said you don't believe in them."
     "Well, I can wish can't I?"
     "I think you've gone off the deep end.  I mean, a group of people that
is so incredibly vulnerable and easy to seduce, subdue, and savor, is just too
good to be true."
     "But don't you find it remarkable that most vampire tribes have
independently come up with their own myths and legends about humans?"
     "No.  After all, most vampire tribes have Renfields.  It is said that
is where the legends began."
     "Anyway, I was telling you that Leona was asking about this survey I
conducted.  And you'd be surprised at the results."  I nodded.  "It seems that
40 percent of all vampires on the list between the ages of 18 and 22 have at
one point or another met someone they thought may have been human."
     "What else did you discover?"
     "That there are a lot of vampires that wish they couldn't fly."
     "That's absurd.  All they have to do is choose not to."
     "Just say no?  It's not that easy.  You've seen the publicity lately from
the `Don't Drink and Fly' people.  The trouble with flying is that once you've
turned into a bat, it's hard to see where your going.  It's getting dangerous
out there."
     I shook my head.  "Really, Doogie.  Humans.  You know that once humans
die they get all stiff and then begin to rot?  They become worm food!  How
incredibly morbid.  How can you think of such morbid things?  You should
obsess yourself with more pleasant things, like Carebears and Smurfs, like the
rest of the vampire society."
     I glanced over at Sidney, who was happily playing with some Smurf dolls.
I sighed happily that she didn't have any Ken or Barbies, and hoped she would
never get into any morbid physically correct human toys like that.
     The doorbell rang again.  I heard some voices outside.  I knew the party
was just about to begin.  Before I got to the door, Angela reentered the room.
"Oh, Bob.  I took the liberty of ordering another Renfield for tomorrow night."
     I gasped in shock.  "You know?  I mean, isn't it my responsibility to
pick up the Renfield?"
     She nodded.  "Did you?"
     I nodded.
     "And how long did he last until you snacked on him?"
     I hid my eyes in shame.  "Till earlier tonight."
     "Well, that was longer than last year!"
     Dan glared at me.  "You did this last year?"
     I searched my memory, drawing a blank.  My wife answered.  "Ralph, he does
it every year."
     "I do?  I mean, I did?"
     Dan shook head.  "How rude.  Almost as bad as forgetting a name.  Why do 
you put up with him?"
     My wife moved closer to me, placing her arm around my back.  "I just
don't know."
     Dan smiled.  "Well, that was convenient.  Solved your problem.  And
didn't take very long."
     I looked at my Batman watch.  "Of course.  Our problems are always
solved in short convenient time frames.  In this case, a half hour.  That's why
some of your fictional humans inspire to become one of us."
     Dan nodded.  "But don't you wish you had deep, more penetrating
problems?"
     "We're vampires.  We don't have penetrating problems."
     With that, I opened the door, but not before looking quickly at my wife
and asking, "I did?"

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End short silly fluff.  By Greg Henry
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      |oo|
     .----.
      V  V        _
     `----'      / \                                    Picture by PNF
       \   \____/  /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  (vampire duck floating on transylvania lake)

Quack! Quack!
- Greg Henry
- ghenry@cs.utk.edu
- henry@crnlcam.bitnet
- http://www.cs.utk.edu/~ghenry/vampired.html